Driving through the night with music blaring, my heart is overflowing. What a great day. These types of days are rare, and I always forget how amazing they feel. How free I feel. How blessed I am.
Today I drove to Columbus to meet two of my best friends for dinner. One lives in Dayton (4 hours away). The other lives in Indianapolis (6 hours away) but it turns out she would be in Columbus for business, which is only 2 hours away.
I drove down earlier in the day so I could go to Ikea for a few hours. This is the nearest Ikea to me and don’t get down there all that often. After I was done at Ikea, we all met at the hotel and spent a few hours together talking and having dinner.
My gosh. When I think of these women and what they mean to me I’m at a loss for words. I mean, how to you speak the unspeakable? Phrase the unphrasable? To articulate something so deeply important…something that has helped to mold the very woman I am over decades is nearly impossible.
Allison became my best friend in September, 1986. I was 13 and was new to the church I would call home for the next 30 years. I was timid. She was not. She walked up to me and said “I’m coming over after church to hang out.” It was a statement of intention letting me know that we are now friends and it’s not an option.
It makes laugh when I look back on it now because she is definitely NOT assertive that way and is one of the kindest, most gracious people I know. Anyways, we hung out and instantly became the deepest, best of friends. She was the maid of honor at my wedding. Thirty six years later, she is my one true thing.
I met Maribel in May, 1991. I had just turned 18 and was living in a little trailer in the woods in Leesville, Louisiana. My husband was stationed at Ft. Polk and was gone a lot due to the nature of his particular job.
I was terrified every day. I had never been away from home, and I was not really prepared by my mother to do any adulting. I had lived there for about 6 months and had just found out I was pregnant when my husband told me that one of his friends from his company was moving his new wife down from Indianapolis and they had been able to rent the trailer two doors down from us.
I was nervous to meet her because I’ve always been so timid around new people but was also excited to not be so alone. I hoped she would like me. I was ravaged with morning sickness, and I was floundering in life. I had no idea how to be an adult individual, let alone a wife and mother. I wasn’t sure who I was or what kind of impression I would make.
I saw their maroon ‘91 Chevy Cavalier slowly turn into their driveway. I mean driveway is a stretch, I should say their patch of mud (ugh, Louisiana was miserable). She was a pretty Mexican girl, almost as young as me. I remember watching her stare out of the car window, wide-eyed with a bit of a look of excitement, shock, and horror as she looked at their trailer in the bayou. Not what either of us imagined as our first homes with our new husbands.
At least I’m not alone now, I thought. Little did I know I wouldn’t just have a new friend, but she was instantly going to become one of my two lifelong best friends. My other one true thing.
I remember watching a movie years ago called, “My One True Thing” about a woman who dies and I think it was her husband that described her as that because no matter how life changed or fell apart, she was always there steady as a rock. Well, that is Allison and Maribel for me.
I eventually introduced them to each other and we became a happy trio and have been best friends for decades now. We have seen each other through every stage of life. Puberty, college, marriage, childbearing, and child rearing. Small asses, big asses. Prosperity and lack. Love and divorce. Death, trauma, heartbreak, and tragedy. Drunk and sober. Various hair colors, various décor, various vehicles. Excitement and celebration as well as the mundane. All of it. We have seen each other in every kind of light.
Because of this history we also know when to let someone be on their bullshit for a while and when to speak up and say, “You know that’s bullshit, right?” You can’t get away with anything. There’s no putting on the public face and faking your way through it. That’s both good and bad. Because they will look at you and say, “I thought you weren’t doing that anymore?” Or, “girl, how many times do you have to do this same thing before you actually learn?” Or if you try to justify something you’ll hear a collective groan from them both saying, “Oh my God! Here we go again! Bitch please.” I do it to them, and they do it to me.
We know when to poke fun and when to lay low. Maribel and I have the same smart-ass humor whereas Allison doesn’t and you have to be a little softer with her. I remember years ago when I had just gotten divorced for the second time and took my maiden name back. Maribel left a voicemail hyphenating all of name changes which made it sound ridiculously funny. She said, “Hi Hymes family! Or should I say “Hymes-Torres-Hymes-Arnold-Hymes family? Damn bitch, how many name do you have?????” I thought it was hilarious, but if we joked like that with Allison, she would be hurt.
And that’s the beauty of these friendships. We know these things about each other. Plus, we are not only support people and touchstones, but we are built in shadow work for each other.
When I tell a story, one of them will say, “Where do you think that comes from? Probably your mom, huh?” Or, “Do you think you feel that way because of when so and so treated you that way?” One dinner with them is like a year-long therapy session.
They are the witnesses to this life I’ve lived. Oh, I know I have other witnesses. I have many. But these two…they know where the bodies are buried if you know what I mean.
They know me inside and out and love me anyways. It’s important to have people like that in your life. They help you work on all of your shadows, but they don’t leave you there in the dark. They take your hand and usher you back to the light by reminding you who you are and that you are loved.
If I could have one wish for humanity it would be that every person would have someone that makes them feel seen, heard, and validated. Someone that knows their history and is a witness to this life. I wish everyone could have their own one true thing.
