It’s surreal to me that this year is half over already. Time moves so much faster these days than it used to. I mean science has proven that to be true, but the way it feels like life is slipping past me blows my mind. How am I already 51? I don’t feel like I’ve lived 51 years.
Seeing friends from school pass away. My brother. My cousin. Knowing that I’ve known them their whole lives and I have witnessed the entire arc of their lifetime. I witnessed the entire journey of their incarnation. It leaves me reeling a little. Like, that was it? That was what they came here for?
Sometimes the lessons are obvious. Sometimes I’m like, what did they actually do or experience? I know every incarnation is valuable and not all of the lessons are obvious to outsiders. I know, I get it. But seriously, that was it?
It has me facing my own mortality. I’m realizing that I don’t have a lot of time left. Time to experience, love, or achieve. There is so much I want to accomplish! There is so much I want to see. I feel like my whole fucking life has been spent in shadow. Experiencing the shadow and then healing the shadow. I’m so over it. I want to be peaceful, happy, and loved. And I’m running out of time.
I know I have plenty of time and 51 is not old old, but my biological clock is ticking. Not to have babies, but to experience the fullness of life. Even if I have a solid, healthy and able 20-25 years, in the grand scheme of things, that is not very long. I want to make the most of it.
With that being said, there is still shadow work to be done. I am way way healthier than I used to be. But there is still some stuff in there. Still some baggage that prevents me from having the most open heart I can have. Some coping mechanisms that cause me to react with hurt or anger instead of the ability to listen and take in what the other person is saying.
We’ve covered shadow work here before, but with all the talk of it in our group recently, it felt like we should touch on it again. So, here we go…